Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Reflecting On The Tragedy

I was reading this post from Inc.com and somehow it got me reflect my own past.

About 2 years ago, something huge happened to my life. Well it's not that huge because it's a lie and fake story after all. But it did impact me very hard. I was reluctant to tell people around me cos I won't want people to judge and start spreading news that I was crazy and etcetera. So I only told the whole story to friends who are closed and involved during that period of magical dreamy story.

I'm not sure if I am already healed and let go off that story. I was pissed off when I realised it was a total lie. I mean, how can someone drafted a story so well and made me believe in it through my heart and soul and in the end, crash and burn just like that. Gone and poof with the wind!

I started avoiding people. Friends, acquaintances, colleagues and families. I was ashamed and embarrassed by my own action. I didn't want to meet people. I was mad and somehow scared to bump into that person again. At first when the tragedy happened, I dig I stalk I get help I was desperate to know and find out who and how and why. Then I found the truth. I became mad and pissed and was a burning flame. But after the matter subsides, I became scared. I was afraid the history will repeat. I was afraid that person will find me again. I was afraid that person will do something to me again. I became so scared that I kept myself busy with work and work and work. People say ignorance is bliss. I tried. Not true. Didn't work out. So I prayed hard and hope to God that He will help me go through my everyday and eventually forget about the matter.

But I know clearly. Deep down inside me somewhere. I am still scared. I don't know how to voice it out to my mom neither my bf. I tried to share the story but the one who was not involved will not be able to know how I really feel. Then I came across that article. And here I am writing this. I hope that I can write all my anger and shame out to the anonymous for me to release whatever that is clogging my heart and head. I need to clear them away before proceeding to the new chapter of my life. I can't be feeling this all my life. I'm not sure if I can forgive but I can try to forget right?

I want to become a better person. I want to learn from all my past mistakes. But I keep ignoring them. Keeping them in a book somewhere on the shelf collecting dust. No matter how I try to ignore, the book is still sitting there on the shelf. I am currently hoping that by writing it out probably daily or weekly or monthly or just random days, I can become better. I just need to release them out. This may not be a good post but it surely does help me in a way or another.

To all my readers, apologies that I have been away. I can't bring myself to write anymore about my life after so many matters arise and tragedy happened. I'm looking into opening up a travel blog but I'm not sure how far can I go. I love writing and sharing my thoughts. But I get lazy with the photos. Tons of them. Any idea how?

Anyway, here's the link to the article I read on Inc.com: What Tragedy Can Teach You About Leadership. Have fun reading!

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