To brighten your day

Gonna share something I read somewhere (don't ask me where). It's ridiculously funny! Haha! Enjoy peepz~

Restaurant Efficiency
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed: "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied: "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented: "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied: "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. It saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

The Alibi
A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.
"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."
Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

Hanging Blonde
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being so dumb, so she decided to hang herself.
A couple minutes later, two men walked by and saw her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing?" they asked her.
"I'm hanging myself," she replied.
"You’re supposed to put the rope around your neck," they said.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

Extra Protection
Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly, it starts raining, so the one who is smoking takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.
"What are you doing?" her friend asks.
"I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom," she replies.
"Where did you get it?" her friend asks.
"At the pharmacy," she replies.
So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom.
"What size?" the clerk asks.
"I dunno," she replies, "one that will fit a camel."


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