Random Updates 12-07-2011

I feel like a lost lamb now. I just want to crap everything out and off. You know how life can be at crossroads at times? But man, mine isn't at crossroad now. It's as if I walked into a dark forest and can't find my way out. I've been feeling down and stressed and I don't know, maybe even depressed. I don't know who to talk to about this stuff. I can't talk about it to people around me cos they will all say about the same old stuff. What am I talking about? It's my career, my future.

Previously I have goals and aims and future dreams. But it seems to have shattered into pieces cos certain reasons keep pulling me back. Back in secondary school, I dream of becoming an accountant. A chartered accountant just so I can do the easy job. Sign the documents and get paid for my signature. How easy is that and how stupid I was to even think that it's an easy course. So off I went to major in accounting and my life was peaceful. It was until college that everything went down the drain. Not because I couldn't score my CAT but because that stupid love life screwed my life! If you were to ask me what do I regret most in my life so far? I will say it's that stupid decision back then. How foolish I was to thought that it's the right love. Oh love sucks! Anyway, my college life was screwed the minute I met that person. Everything seriously went down and down and down to hell. Eventually I quit the course and went to work. I had 9 subjects. Passed 4. Failed 2. The rest I didn't even bother to sit for them cos I quit myself.

And after a year and a half working with 2 different companies, I realized I wanted to go back to study. Yeah I got sacked from my previous company due to management stuff. Oh bad luck! My life wasn't that perfect you know. Even my blog was controlled by my previous employer. How sheesh was that? Nevertheless, I do not want to dirty my blog with those stuff so I did erase those blog posts off. So after I got sacked what did I do? I cringed at home for 2 months. 2 freaking months which was supposed to be the notice of termination period. During that 2 months, I told myself that I must go back to study cos certificate is important. Yeah it is indeed important in my family. Pressure is everywhere when you see 30 of your close cousins going into medical, engineering, accounting and are all doing very fine except for me who suck so much that my highest achievement was just SPM.

So then I enrolled myself into Sunway College Kuching and took the LCCI course. I told myself that I must study and get that damn cert. So I did. I made a few friends. I kept things to myself. Not socializing with people just so I can focus in class. Level 1 I passed with distinction. Proud of course and it is expected. Level 2 again I passed with distinction. This time 3 of my friends quit. Those were the only 3 I talked to. Oh wait there's another girl. Yeah she accompanied me until Level 3. Now we're just sulking here and waiting for our result which will only be out by August or September. I said I must graduate. And I know I will this time. But then, it's just a Diploma. How much can you get from a Diploma?

Back to my career. It's been 2 years since I started to work with this legal firm. I've got a very nice boss. Except that she can be a lil stingy. Which boss isn't kan? But she's nice. My colleagues are ok too. We get along as time passed. But it's already 2 years and my course is finish. The reason I stick to this boring job is cos it's so free that I can study in office. It's a really free job. Plus, I get my own room. So I can do anything I want there. Of course provided my work is done. Now I have a problem.

My goal to get a Diploma is done. What's next?

I don't know. I really do not know what to do next. After working from 8 to 5 everyday for 2 years, I'm kinda sick with this working hour and the hours I wasted in office doing nothing. I can't online. So there's lots of stuff that I can't do. Unless those stuff doesn't require internet connection. Everyone had been telling me to get a job with accounting firm, or work as accounts related post in any trading company. All of these spells BORING! I get bored easily. I can't do schedule stuff well. When I get bored, I go astray. I'll find a way to have fun. But my brain is stuck now that I do not know what kind of fun way can I get with my future career? I don't want to keep changing job after 2 to 3 years in a firm. I want something that can last me til I retire probably?

I did found something. I found tourism. Remember last year I had a family vacation to China and Hong Kong? Yeah only until last year that I realized there's a job called tour leader. And the job is easy. It's as if one gets paid to travel. Except with more responsibilities and a few stranger as company. People said I'm tall and I should go for air stewardess. But problem is, I do not want to serve people on air and I do not like aeroplane. I dislike the smell and the pressure. My blood pressure is near to low so yes I get dizzy all the time.

Back to topic. I went to ask about the tourism course. It's not the normal tourism course that every college or university offers. It's the tour leader course that I'm looking for. And I found one. Located at Jalan Tun Jugah Kuching. It's the Global Institute of Tourism. But what a cold water splash disappointment. The course is not available at Kuching yet. Only available at West Malaysia. Ok going to West Malaysia to study is a problem to me. Oh that's gonna link to another problem and I won't finish talking here.

The problem. I have a brother. Only 14 years old. He does not help with house chores, is very lazy, and do not know how to take care of mom. My pap is working at West Msia. While mom is here with us but as time passed, she aged and her health is already not at its best. Now that is the reason why I can't leave home. What if something happens? Who's gonna drive them around? Who's gonna help my mom with so many house chores? Ok I'm lazy too. But at least I helped when it's laundry time and cooking and washing the dishes. My bro? He helps when he's in the mood and most of the time? He's not in a good mood. So you can expect how life is gonna be like if I'm away and only left mom and bro at home.

Yes I know I said I wanted to be a tour leader and that requires me to leave home every now and then. But if I do get that job, at least my pap can come back and work here cos I already can help to burden the financial side of the family. Mom kept telling me to work with my uncle once I got my cert but I do not want. I do not want to live a boring life. Not working from 8 to 5 everyday til I retire. No way! I need something that keeps me alive. Something that keeps me going on and on and on. Something which is on the road. But I can't do sales. I'm not tough enough for sales. I don't like to persuade people to buy things that they do not want.

So in the end I'm back to square one. Being lost and do not know what job I want next after I get my cert. There's no way I'm going to continue study ACCA cos it's way too tough and the salary at Kuching will only drown a chartered accountant.

I think I'm done crapping? Just wait til the next time I crap again and we'll see if I had done anything good to my current life. I want to post something that SelmC wrote on Facebook note just now but without permission I can't do it here. But I did share the notes on my wall so if you have my Fb then just go ahead and read it. It's 'Please don't stop the rain'.


Eve! said…
what a random long post =p
russwong said…
u nee to pursue ur goal no matter wut. If you do not, you will regret later in life. ur mom is old enough to care for herself, and if really there is a family emergency u can go back to look after her,but don't let what if's stop u. At the end of the day its up to u whether u want to go further. The longer u wait, you may not reach ur goal, do not let anything hold u back, not even love.

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